Battle Of The Bands
by HakurosMeatyLover
Summary: Ed, Al and Winry decide to form a band after being inspired by Pinako! But when the Homonculi see the band on TV, they decide to form a rival band. Before long, an all-out Battle Of The Bands ensues. Chapter one up.
1. Pinako's Playaz

_"Yo, my name's Granny P_

_And I'm here to say_

_I'm alchemizin' like bitches_

_Every night and day_

_My pimps are cooler_

_Than an ice cream cone_

_My lines are harder_

_Than a Philosopher's Stone_

_My rhymes are hotter_

_Than the Ishval war_

_And you'd better listen up_

_'Cause I'm gonna tell you more..."_

Edward Elric turned off the radio. "Man," he said to his brother Alphonse, "Aunt Pinako's rap career sure has taken off quickly..."

"I know, Brother," replied Alphonse. "I really didn't think it would go far at all when she brought it up, but people are really getting into it."

Winry chimed in, "She makes it look like it's easy to become a famous singer, you know? Like anyone could do it, as if even one of us could." A lightbulb metaphorically appeared above Edward Elric's head.

"Hey... Winry, that gives me an idea. Why don't we form a band?" Edward suggested.

"That's... That's, like, actually not a bad idea, Ed," said Winry. "I mean, if Granny Pinako can become famous for gangsta rap, then that means anything's possible, right?"

"But who all will play the instruments?" asked Alphonse. "I mean, I'll be the steel drum and drummer, but what about besides that?"

"I'll be the lead singer, of course," said Edward Elric, flipping his hair back casually as if it would require a large amount of audacity for anyone to suggest otherwise. "Roy can play bass, right?"

"Like, of course Roy can play bass, everyone knows that," answered Winry. "And I can play lead guitar. So, like, that gives us a bassist, a guitarist, a singer, and a drummer already!"

"Well, we don't know whether Roy is in yet," Alphonse pointed out. "You know how he is. He'll just think that this is a game and he doesn't have time for it or something, he probably won't go for it."

Edward said, "I don't think he'll be too quick to jump in either, Al, but if there's one thing Roy loves more than feeling superior, it's bitches. Roy loves bitches, and bassists get all the girls, even if they're being overshadowed by me, Edward Elric. I can convince him, I just know it."

"We also need, like, a keyboardist!" Winry said. "Who can play keyboard?"

"I believe that I could fill that position quite nicely," said a monotone voice. Ed, Winry, and Al all looked at the door and gasped at the face of the man who had just walked in. A face they hadn't seen in over five years. The face of Von Hoenheim.


	2. Karma Chimera

"...Dad?" Edward said, stunned and at a loss for words.

"Yes, it's me," Hoenheim said. "Hello, Edward. How are you?"

"...How am I? How AM I?" Edward snapped. "You LEAVE us, you aren't even around when our mother dies, and you just show up after all these years and ask how I fucking am?"

"Language, Edward," Hoenheim scolded.

"You think that's fucking funny?" Edward was livid. "We haven't seen you in years and you come back and act like you can talk to me like you're my real father? Well, you listen to me-"

Hoenheim held up a hand, and Edward stopped talking. "Now, Edward. You made mistakes, I made mistakes. We all made mistakes, we're just human. I know I was wrong to walk out on you, but that's not what matters right now. What matters is that you need a keyboardist, correct?"

Edward answered, "Well, yes, but-"

"And I can play keyboard. Did you know that?"

Ed snapped, "Not really, since I haven't seen you since I was six fucking years old."

"Language, Edward," Hoenheim repeated. "Well, yes, back in the 70's I was the keyboardist for a very popular band at the time, Karma Chimera, and I'm sure I still have my old keyboard somewhere. So, can I be your keyboardist? I don't think you have many other options, and you definitely need one. Who else is going to be your keyboardist, Lan Fan?

"Like, I think you'd be a great keyboardist, Mr. Hoenheim," Winry said. "I know you guys have, like, issues and junk, but can we just put it aside? For the band?"

"I mean, I'm willing to let him be keyboardist," Alphonse said. "What about you, Brother?"

Edward hesitated. "Fine..." he said, but he didn't look very happy about it.

"Awesome!" Winry exclaimed. "So now we just need a bassist."

"Roy can play bass, can't he?" Hoenheim said.

"Like, duh!" Winry said. "Roy can totally play bass. Ed, can you go try and convince him to be our bassist? I think you're the only one who really could. I'm not into girls and Alphonse probably doesn't get many - sorry, Al - so, like, you should do it."

"Yeah, alright. I'll go try and convince him," Ed said, still upset about his father's return but eager to get out of the house and avoid him. "I'll go right now."

"Cool!" Winry exclaimed, as Ed walked out the front door, wondering to himself, _Roy certainly can play bass... but will he?_


	3. The Phillystones

Edward Elric was soon standing outside Roy Mustang's home. Ed knocked three times, and soon Roy Mustang appeared at the door. A mustang, indeed - no, more of a stallion. A shining, golden beacon in a cloudy sky of uninteresting alchemists, the godlike, statuesque pillar that is Roy Mustang appeared at the door.

"What do you want, Ed?" he said, his voice like that of an angel itself.

"Roy, do you still have a bass lying around?" Edward said, cutting to the chase.

"Of course, how could I play bass if I didn't practice once in a while? Why do you care?" Roy asked.

"Well, we're going to form a band. Winry, Alphonse, Hoenheim - he's back, by the way - and me. We still really need a bassist, though, and I was hoping you-"

Roy interrupted. "Not interested. Not a chance." Roy slammed the door in Ed's face. Ed cursed into the ground and knocked on the door again, this time with his prosthetic robot arm so as to be louder. Roy opened the door and said, "What? You think I have time for your silly band? I have more important things to do! You're just a kid, you don't get it." Roy moved to slam the door, but Ed put his cripple-robot-foot in the door to prevent this.

"Roy, listen. I know you've got a lot of shit on your plate right now. I know work kind of sucks because your boss is a Homonculus and I know Hawkeye wants to break up with you, but just hear me out, alright? Give me one chance to explain why you should join our band and if you still don't want to join after that, then fine, I won't make you," Ed said.

Roy pondered this for a moment. "Well.. Fine. Try and explain yourself."

Ed said to Roy, "Well, let's say we make it big. Aunt Pinako made it big just with her first single, 'Why Don't You Transmute Mah Dick', so we could too. Especially with the lineup we've got. We've got me, of course, and if we have Roy Mustang, international Ishvalian war hero on bass, then we'd be a hit for sure! Everyone knows Roy Mustang can play bass, but most people haven't ever gotten to see it. And you know what all that popularity would mean for you?" Roy made a noncommital, disinterested grunt. "That's right, Roy - booty. Tons of it. You know how many girls would want you if you were a bassist superstar? All of them! You already get nearly every girl you want, and there would be so much pussy you couldn't even think straight if you were in our band. Nobody gets more sex than bassists, Roy, not even Lt. Yoki. So even if you won't do it for me, will you at least be bassist for all those opportunities?"

At this, Roy seemed interested. He scratched his chin and thought about it for a moment. "Hmm... You do raise a good point. I do think I could get more girls if I were in a band.. But, still, I have a lot on my plate right now, Ed. I just don't know whether I have enough time for a band."

Ed said, "Well, you know, groupies don't ever expect you to call back."

Roy smirked. "Alright, fine. I'll go for it." Ed had to try with all his might not to jump with joy. With Roy on bass, he knew, their band was sure to be a success.

"That's great, Roy, thanks so much. Let's get back to my house. Al, Winry and Hoenheim are waiting for us and they'll be thrilled to find out that you said yes." So Ed and Roy returned to Ed's home.

Ed walked into the living room to find Hoenheim, Alponse and Winry playing "Monopoly: Alchemist Edition!" As Alphonse landed on the Rush Valley space and was about to pay Hoenheim $50, Winry saw Ed and Roy. She jumped up and exclaimed, "OHMYGOD YOU GOT ROY! HI ROY. YOU CAN PLAY BASS! NOW WE HAVE A BAND!" She bounced up and down, like a flower.

Roy facepalmed, and Ed, chuckling, said, "Calm down, Winry. We've still got some work to do."

Sitting down on a couch, Roy said, "That's right, Ed. Do you guys even have a band name?"

"Oh..." Winry said, her excitement fading. "No, we didn't think of that."

"I've got one," Ed said. "How about The Disembodied Elric Heads? Or the Disciples of Edward Elric?"

Roy shot him down and said that those were both horrible ideas. Roy said, "What about the Flaming Chimeras?"

Alphonse shook his head. "Sounds too inherently sexual. The Transmutations? King Bradley's Knights?"

Winry said, "Like, those are all totally lame! We should call ourselves Rush Valley!"

Hoenheim shook his head. "Seeing as how I'm the only one with any band experience, might I make a suggestion?"

"Go for it, big guy," Edward said.

"I think the best band name for us," said Hoenheim, "would be The Phillystones."

There was a bit of silence, before Alphonse said, "I like it, actually. I like it a lot. But... Philadeplhia doesn't even exist in our world. Does it, Brother?"

"Oh my god! That's, like, so cool, Mr. Hoenheim!" Winry exclaimed giddily. "That's, like, even better than mine!"

"It is pretty cool," said Edward, gaining a new appreciation for his dad. Roy was the only one to not share his opinion, and everyone knew that if he didn't like the name The Phillystones, then it wouldn't go. Everyone turned and stared at Roy, who remained silent for a bit.

Finally, Roy said, "I like it. That's a really cool name. It's like Philosopher's Stones, but cooler. It's got a youthful vibe going for it. The Phillystones, live in concert.. with Roy Mustang on bass.. I like the sound of it already." Roy smirked again.

And thus, the Phillystones were formed.


End file.
